


The Camelot Guards

by HufflepuffHorizon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur is an idiot, Arthur is oblivious, Camelot Guards - Freeform, Gaius is Constantly Yelling About It, Gen, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Not So Oblivious Guards, Okay So The Actual Characters Don’t Really Speak But They’re... Mentioned, Original Character(s), Uther Actually Doesn’t Care About Magic For Some Reason, Why Do The Camelot Guards Never Find Out About Merlin’s Magic, this was supposed to be funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27252079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HufflepuffHorizon/pseuds/HufflepuffHorizon
Summary: For years, the BBC Merlin fandom has pondered a deep, unanswered question.“How are the Camelot guards so freaking stupid?” we ask.“How do they not see what’s going on under their very noses?” we wonder.“How do they not hear Gaius when he yells about Merlin’s magic with the door open?” we cry.Well, in this terrible, kind of short fanfiction, the answer to this deep, unanswered question is finally revealed.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 142





	The Camelot Guards

Derek raced up the mercilessly steep stone staircase of Camelot castle, his face red and his heart thudding, wheezing and gasping for breath like a particularly flustered fish out of water. He was attracting several questioning, concerned and rather fascinated looks from passing servants as his face deepened from red to an interesting shade of purple, but his thoughts were whirring too quickly for him to notice. And even if he did take the courtesy to stop and explain, he felt that he would surely throw up if he attempted to speak. 

His chest tightened so painfully that it was almost a relief when he collided with the chainmailed chest of one of his fellow guards and bounced a couple of feet backwards like a violet ping-pong ball, then promptly fell over. 

“Magic!” he blurted stupidly. 

The completely unharmed guard he had just ploughed into gave him a slightly bemused look. “Eh?”

“Ma... Ma... Good god... Why are there so many... Bloody... Stairs?”

“What’s got you in such a kerfuffle, mate?” asked another voice, and Derek looked over to see two other guards leaning against the wall outside Arthur’s chambers, eating apples. With a mixture of relief and embarrassment, Derek hopped to his feet, smoothed his hair hastily and puffed up his chest in preparation for his big announcement. 

“Prince Arthur’s manservant,” he said dramatically. “Has magic.”

He waited expectantly for the three guards to gasp in horror, perhaps faint with shock, or at least congratulate him for having made such a remarkable discovery, but they only exchanged confused glances. 

“Ah,” said the first guard kindly. “You must be new.”

“I- What?” Derek blinked. “I’ve worked here for eight years.” 

“Hate to burst your bubble, mate,” the second guard said apologetically. “But Arthur’s servant having magic is sort of old news.”

“Old news?” spluttered Derek, who was starting to feel his face turn purple again. “Our Prince is in danger! We have to tell someone, we have to warn him, we have to-“ 

“Who exactly are you going to tell?” the first guard said, starting to look rather amused. “Apart from Arthur, everyone in the castle pretty much knows already.”

“Well- Well... I didn’t know!” cried Derek. 

“Yeah, but don’t beat yourself up about it,” the second guard said, in a friendly sort of tone. “You’re only new, after all.”

“What? I-I’m not new!” Derek stammered, starting to feel like he was the victim of a particularly confusing joke. “Bobby, we’ve had a shift together every day for the past five years!” 

“You can’t tell anyone about Merlin’s magic,” the first guard explained patiently. “We have a bet, you see.” 

“A- A bet?” Derek repeated weakly.

“Yep,” said Bobby cheerfully. “We’re taking bets on how long it’s going to take Arthur to connect the dots and figure it out himself. I’m guessing two years, but Stanley here doesn’t think it’ll ever happen. You want in?”

“Figure it out himself?” echoed Derek, wondering if he’d passed out at some point while running up the stairs and was having a very bizarre dream.

“Yeah, well, we’re not optimistic,” Stanley said regretfully. “You might not know this, being new and all, but our Arthur isn’t exactly the sharpest sword in the armoury.”

“Excuse me!” Derek glared at him, suddenly angry. “That’s our crown prince you’re talking about! Call yourselves the royal guards- the prince’s life could be at stake here, and you’re taking bets! You really ought to be taking your jobs seriously!”

“We are taking this seriously!” said Bobby, looking offended. “Johnny has poured his entire life’s savings into this bet!”

“I guessed ten years,” piped up the third guard, who had been relatively quiet until now. 

“Johnny, please,” Stanley said dismissively. “Given Arthur’s day-to-day experiences, he’s unlikely to last another ten weeks, let alone ten years.”

“Does King Uther know?!” Derek asked wildly. 

“Oh yes,” said Bobby calmly. “He bet the entire royal treasury that it’d be eight months, five days and forty-three minutes.”

“Weirdly specific, we agree,” nodded Stanley, misinterpreting Derek’s flabbergasted face.

“Hold on, hold on,” Derek looked from one guard to another, completely baffled. “When did you lot find out about the magic?”

“His second night in Camelot,” Bobby explained. “He sneaked down into the dungeons to see the Great Dragon while we were on duty and made our dice fly off the table and bounce away. He’s not exactly subtle, is he?”

“I don’t know what he expected us to think,” Stanley agreed. “‘Oh look, our dice are flying, maybe that’s just normal dice behaviour’.”

“He ruined our game of Snakes and Ladders,” complained Bobby. “He could’ve just asked nicely and we would’ve let him pass. But it was only really a matter of time anyway... Gaius keeps yelling about his magic with the door open.”

Derek stared blankly at him. “So... So... You’ve had this bet going for three months?”

“Don’t feel left out, mate, it’s never too late to join in!” said Stanley comfortingly. “Seeing as you’re new, it’ll be a nice way to get to know each other!”

“Stanley,” said Derek, dazedly. “We had breakfast together this morning.”

“So, you in?” Bobby held out his hand enthusiastically. 

Derek stared at his hand for a good few seconds, then slowly reached into his pocket and dropped a gold coin onto Bobby’s palm. 

“Six months,” he said wearily.


End file.
